Summer season is almost upon us! The time of year when people start to congregate on every backyard, courtyard, rooftop, park and beach in this country of ours to cook meat on a fire and drink heavily outdoors. Along with these great national pasttimes comes an ever GREATER character who is stuck in past times: The Dark Liquor Uncle. Yes, at every family gathering there’s usually someone’s uncle who get a little too rowdy, says things he really shouldn’t say, has a little TOO much fun and ends up smelling like a liquor that isn’t present at the cookout. He’s a hilarious mix of fun times and absolute danger and when the right song is playing at the cookout, you’ll get an exquisite mix of both. Let’s go through the top 5 songs that’ll soothe the savage beast, shall we?
5. THE GAP BAND – OUTSTANDING
The Drunk Uncle walks in and head is nodding to the infectious mellow beat almost immediately. He comes carrying a 6 pack of Heineken with 2 beers missing. He cha-cha slides his way around the cookout and greets everyone with a big bear hug. He goes over to the grill to see if the burgers are done while singing along with the chorus to the song. You hear one of your cousins muttering something about this being “the calm before the storm.”
4. JUNIOR – MAMA USED TO SAY
The Drunk Uncle has moved on from Heinekens to Coronas and is doing a two- step while loudly singing “MAMA USED TO SAY! DON’T YOU RUSH TO GET OLD!” One of the cousins has a look of both joy and embarrassment on their face while they’re taping all this on their phone and and immediately uploading it to Instagram. Drunk Uncle makes his way to grill and politely asks “What the fuck is up with them burgers? I know the song says Take Your Time Young Man, but goddamn!” He then laughs heartily at his own joke and begins to the man on the grill about the time he almost got a blow job from some pretty young thing at the roller rink back in ’83 while this song was playing. Your auntie is contemplating when is the right time to take away the car keys from him.
3. MCFADDEN & WHITEHEAD – AIN’T NO STOPPING US NOW
The Drunk Uncle has been dormant because (a) he’s had 3 burgers, 2 franks and a drumstick (b) they just played Bell Biv Devoe’s “Poison” and he don’t fuck with that new fangled young people’s noise (note: It’s 2017 and that song is 27 years old). The moment the violins in the intro to this song starts to kick in, he is reborn and rises like a phoenix from the inebriated ashes. He’s moved onto mixed drinks and is holding a red Solo cup filled with Bacardi which is curious because you don’t see a bottle of Bacardi anywhere. He tries to get people up and dancing, but everyone is eating and unable to groove properly while holding a plate of potato salad. Drunk Uncle then proceeds to shout to one of the other uncles to see if he remembers what went down at Trevor’s bachelor party while this exact song was playing! The uncle pretends not to hear him as he is sitting right next to Trevor and his lovely wife. Drunk Uncle laughs loudly and claps his hands to the song. Once the song is over, he asks all the teenage cousins if they have any weed.
2. RICK JAMES – GIVE IT TO ME BABY
The Drunk Uncle is dormant once again, due to an intense poker/ dominoes game where various amounts of money may or may not have exchanged hands. Once the opening baseline in the song kicks in, the Drunk Uncle can’t help but get up and dance to the to the rhythm. He’s still drinking Bacardi but he’s also managed to have 3 shots of Jose Cuervo and some Hennessey (both of which no one remembers bringing to the cookout). He grabs one of the aunts and does a dance with her that can only be described as “wildly inappropriate”. The cousin continues to tape everything and upload it to Instagram. When the song ends, Drunk Uncle points to you and shouts “THE ROLLER RINK KING, BABY!!!!” You look absolutely confused by all this as the husband of the aunt he was dancing with walks up to him and calmly suggests that he keep his fucking hands off his wife followed by “THAT’S WHY SHE AIN’T WITH YOUR DRUNK ASS NO MORE!!” which causes Drunk Uncle to rebut with “You don’t wanna fuck with me, Lionel! I got priors!!” One of the aunts takes away his car keys.
- MAZE featuring FRANKIE BEVERLY – BEFORE I LET GO
The sun is starting to set and Drunk Uncle is dancing by himself while holding onto a Solo cup fill with an alcoholic drink that no one can identify. The “itis” has set in throught the party and everyone is both sleepy and exhausted like they just survived a war. Drunk Uncle sings along to the song and everyone feels the awkwardness when he sings “BEFOR I LET YOU GOOOOOOO” while staring at the spot where the aunt was standing before her and Uncle Lionel abruptly let over an hour ago. The cousin has stopped taping Drunk Uncle because it’s just not funny anymore. As the song ends and Zhane’s “Hey Mr. DJ” comes on, Drunk Uncle stumbles over to you, reeking of weed and asks if he can stay at your place tonight because he can’t seem to find his car keys. You say okay. He says thanks and gives you a hug. He says “Man, this was a really great night. It’s all about family, man. I live for these moments we can all be together. I truly do. Cherish your youth and moments like this, kid. This is what it’s all about.” You hug him back. He stumbles towards the bathroom. You realize your weed is missing. You’ll ask him about it at the July 4th cookout.